Edward is so dead
by lettherebeyaoi
Summary: After working for hellsing for so long, Inetgra sent Alucard on Vacation for 10 years witch is a short time if your a vampire. So he went to American to Forks........oh what fun wile await him there? WARNINGS LOTS OF LOLS Edward bashing Alucard humor/sex
1. Chapter 1

Count Vladimir 'Dracula' Nosferatu or what he was now known as Alucard

walked of the airplane holding a small black briefcase and pushing up his red sunglasses

and fixed his tie. No police girl no Integra and no missions for a ten year vacation! He

always wanted to go to the new world and he picked a nice place to lay low for his ten

year vacation, a small town called 'Forks' in northwest Washington state. It was a

perfect vampire safe haven…..cloudy all year round, very few people around and best of

all pretty women with unpolluted blood. "Mr. Todd Franks?" said the human that was

picking him up in Phoenix AZ airport "I am He" Alucard said walking up to the small

man. "I am here to take you to your new home" the man barely stuttered out. Alucard

nodded and got into the back of the black jaguar and relaxed into the nice expensive

leather as the human drove him to his new vacation house.

* * *

Edward Cullen was felling ……odd today. He was jumpy and nervouse for some reason

and Bella had noticed. "Edward what's the matter Lion?" she asked in her sweet voice

petting Ed's cold face with her warm hands. Edward smiled and nuzzled his face into the

warm hands "I don't know Bella, I feel like something or someone is coming" he

confessed to his beloved wanting to protect her more then ever now. "Edward you have

to relax, nothing bad is going to happen to me, I have you to protect me" she said kissing

his forehead lovingly "I suppose your right Bella, maybe I am just over reacting some"

Edward and Bella laughted a little and went back to snuggling on Ed's black couch

lessoning to a piano album.

* * *

Alucard got out of the jaguar and looked at his new vacation house. It was a

brown simple common two-story house with a nice back yard that backed to the woods.

Alucard paid the driveled and walked onto the porch _**"this will do, I won't stand out to **_

_**much"**_ he thought as he looked at his neighbor house _**"The Swans? Intresting, I smell **_

_**werewolf's and vampires strange" **_he though as he unlocked the door and walked into

his home and closed the door. He would wait and see what would happen in the Swan

household, but for now it was time to unpack. Alucard opened his small black briefcase

and millions of black bats flew out. Three would hit the wall and would clean and

decorate the house. Alucard looked around with a smirk, the living room with dark green

walls and a black leather couch in front of roaring fire place, a few book cases full of

classic books and art with heavy black curtains to block out any sunlight. The kitchion

witch was now a wine room full of old wines and a hidden remigration witch was full of

blood. With a nice hand carved table with matching chairs and lit candles everywhere. He

walked up stares to see that his bedroom was black with gold candle holders, a wooden

hand carved nightstand with a sliver gun rack for his beloved guns and lastly his black

large coffin in the middle of the room. Alucard smiled and set his guns down on the rack

and changed close. He was now wearing a button down Wight shirt and black slacks with

no shoes. He walked down stares and grabbed the book 'Dante's Inferno' and started to relax

* * *

Bella was walking to her house when she noticed that someone moved into the empty house beside hers. _"Who lives there now?" _She saw the mailbox

and read the name off of it "T. Franks?" she said out load as her dad 'Charlie' was walking over to her "yep that's our new neighbor, from what I know is that he is

from London and he was a big shot in the British army" Charlie explained patting her shoulder "so tonight bells were having him over for dinner!" He told his

daughter. Bella looked at her dad in shock "But Charlie! Edward's coming over for dinner tonight!" she exclaimed "well Ed can meet Mr. Frank too! Now go over

there and invite him!" Bella stomped over to the house to meet this 'Mr. Franks'

* * *

Alucard looked up from his book when he herded loud knocking on his door. _**"why now?" **_He thought as he stood up and walked to the door and opened

it with ease to see a brown haired girl with a weak mental shield "hello?" he said with his British ancient looking down on the human girl. "Um….Hi, Mr.

Franks……My dad and me wanted to invite you over for dinner" she said with a lack of manners and refinement _**"I might as well" **_He though wile he looked down

on the human "It would be my pleaser, when is dinner?" he asked wondering what her blood was like "It's in a hour" she said with a smile "I shall see you then" he

said as Miss. Swan walked back to her house. Alucard closed the door and walked to his wine room and took out two 1970's wine bottles and dressed in his black

suit and slicked his long hair back with a smirk and donned the red sunglasses.

* * *

Bella smiled as Edward drove up in his sliver Volvo and got out with ease. Bella ran to him and hugged him tightly with a smile "hello Bella" he said

with a smile "hey Lion!" she said giving him a kiss on his ice cold lips "Miss. Swan, is that your intended?" asked Mr. Franks as he walked over to the couple

holding the two bottles of wine in on arm. Bella looked at Mr. Franks blushing that he had seen her kissing Edward "Yes, Mr. Franks this is my fiancée Edward

Cullen" She said moving from Edward some. "Hello, I am Todd Franks" said Alucard blocking his mind completely from the youth as they shook hands _**"a freak? **_

_**he is the lowest of the low, he makes the police girl look like a god" **_"I am Edward Cullen" he said politely _"his mind is completely blocked! What is this guy!?!?"_

Edward thought as Mr. franks smiled charmingly at Bella "I have brought some wine for dinner, I hope you don't mind" "Not at all" said Charlie taking the bottles

from Alucard "Hi I'm Charlie! He said shaking Alucard's hand "Charmed, I am Todd Franks….please call me Todd" he said to the poor human who lead him into

the small house and sat down at the table.

Edward was looking at the Mr. Franks _"he is not human, yet he is eating like a human…..but red eyes, he can't be" _ Edward thought as he forced some food

down his thought Edward concentrated on Franks mind trying to see what the stranger was planning.

#$%Mindworld!!#$%_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Edward looked around to find that franks mind was pitch black, not a speck of light could get threw. The only sound was laughter, not ha ha laughter but evil bone

chilling laughter that scared Edward to his very soul. **"Did you REALLY think I would let you into my mind that easily boy? DID YOU?" **The laughter got

louder "I am not scared of you Mr. Franks!" Edward screamed the lie out as the darkness changed as eyes started to appear red angry bloodshot eyes stared down at him **"If you were smart my dear boy you would be! now BE GONE!"**

**#$$%MINDWORLDEND!##$%**_________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Well Mr. Todd that's when I caught the biggest god damn bass in the whole damn lake" Charlie preached to Alucard who had just finished his glass of wine as he

finished mind raping the weak freak that tried to look into his mind. _**"They don't make vampires like the use too" **_Alucard thought as Edward came back to reality

looking quite ill _**"I was barley blocking him and it scared him that easily? how sad" **_Bella put a hand on Edwards "Edward, Lion are you okay?" she asked concern

in her voice "I….I…I just need a moment" Edward said as he looked at Mr. Todd who flashed him a smile.

**OH yes, Alucard was going to have a good vacation here!**


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

ED IS SO DEAD………….

Edward Cullen rushed out of Bella's house with a hand over his mouth to keep his

teeth from chattering in fear. Bella fallowed him out to his sliver Volvo were Edward was

holding onto the door for dear life "Edward what's wrong?" she asked putting a warm

hand on Edward's shaking back "h…h…he is not human" Edward stuttered out not

letting Bella see how SCARED he was. "what is he Edward? Is he like Jacob

or……something else?" She asked kissing her beloved to help him calm down. "I…..I…I

don't know!" he confessed looking at Bella "but he is powerful very powerful, I tried to

read his mind and he locked me in a pitch black room full of red eyeballs looking at me

and laughing……..evil laughter, the kind that would be heard when someone enjoys

killing innocent people" Bella looked shocked as Mr. Franks walked out of Bella's house

talking with Charlie "Glad I could meet Ya Mr. Todd! Your always welcome around

here!" said the overly drunk Charlie leaning on Mr. Todd's expensive Italian suit "Thank

you Mr. Charlie, I did enjoy my time with you and your lovely daughter and her

_interesting _fiancée" Mr. Franks said as he pushed up his blood red shades **"don't think **

**this is over my dear Edward" **Said the evil voice in Edward's head as Mr.

Franks walked over to his house laughing some as Edward gulped loudly and looked at

Bella "I'm going to talk with Alice to see if she knows anything about him" Edward said

before he kissed Bella lovingly and drove home.

Alucard hummed a song as he dressed into a new suit, witch was custom

made with gold buttons and hide his guns into the pockets and put on his

famous red tie. He decided to forgo the red trench coat and hat after all he WAS on

vacation. He slipped on the heavy boots and opened a window and jumped out and

walked into the woods. _**"this is nice, full moon…..wild life and FREAKS near by" **_

Alucard smirked as he saw a few wolfs started to circle him growling at him. "My My It

has been such a long time since I have fought wolfs" he said with a smirk holding out

one gloved hand wile his eyes were glowing red brightly and all the wolfs lied down and

started to whimper "good boys" he said walking to the Cullen household.

"Alice have you had any visions lately?" asked Edward after he had summoned

all the Cullen's. Alice, Emmett, Rosalie , Jasper, Carlisle and Esme were all standing in

the piano room all curious about the new comer. "Sorry Edward, All I have seen lately in

my visions is bats!" she explained to everyone who did not notice Alucard phasing threw

the wall and walked over to the bar and poured himself a brandy and sat down on a over

stuffed leather chair and drank some watching the Cullen's try to finger out WHO he

was. "He can't be a vampire! He can eat food, he dose not sparkle in the sun and lastly

he dose not have amber eyes." Emmett pointed out making Alucard laugh like it was the

funniest thing in the world making the Cullen's noticing him. "WHO ARE YOU?!"

Jasper exclaimed pointing at Alucard. Alucard took another drink of the brandy "Mr.

Todd, I am surprised it took you this long to notice me! Your pulling my leg right? Do

you really _sparkle_ in the sunlight?" 'Todd' asked taking controles of Rosalie and made

her come over to him and massage his shoulders wile he relaxed. "WHAT ARE

YOU?!?!?!" demanded a jealous Jasper "Oh that……I am a vampire" he said finishing

his brandy "I'm on vacation" he added wile Rosalie purred softly kissing his neck wile he

took off his sunglasses letting the group see his blood red eyes. Edward smirked "So

you're a new vampire!" he said pointing at Alucard. Alucard laughted so hard that if he

could die laughing he would! "No foolish child………I am a TRUE vampire, unlike you

fools" Alucard said flashing them a FANGY smile as he freed Rosalie from his trance

"But I have no need to fight with you , I am just amazed how far vampires have fallen in

America" he said standing up from the chair as the Cullen's looked quite pissed as he

winked at them as he walked threw the walls!

Bella walked over to Mr. Todd's house wanting to ask him about himself wanting to help her beloved Edward. Bella knocked on the door waiting for the……strange man to open the door. The door swung open when she knocked showing that it was left open on accident "Mr. Todd?" she called walking into the extremely elegantly well decorated inside of the extremely plain looking house. "Hello?" she called walking up stares finding the bedroom. Her hands flew up to her mouth with a load gasp "A COFFIN!?!?" she said in shock


	3. Chapter 3

AN: hey everybody just a quick explanation from the last chapter. In old vamp legend it

said that Vampires could controles wolfs. Another one says that werewolf's could kill

Vamps. So in my mind I think Jacob is a different breed of werewolf so he can not kill a

European vampire but Alucard and controles him and his pack. BTW Anderson is on

Vacation as well him and a few cute nuns are having the time of there holy life's in Reno

city playing black jack and going to 'heathen' consorts and hitting non- believers with a fish so now ON WITH THE STORY!

* * *

Bella jumped back very fast from Mr. Todd almost falling over the coffin.

"w..w….what are you?" she stuttered out looking at the crazed person who smiled at her

very charmingly like he was trying to seduce her? Bella felt her cheeks grow hot as Mr.

Todd cupped her cheek all most lovingly? 'h…he..he is tempting me' she thought as his

thumb stroked her cheek making her look into his blood red eyes "my dear Bella, you

want to be with Edward so bad don't you? To join him in immortality" Alucard almost

laughted at that but kept a blank face " he leads you around like a dog , not letting you

think or help in anyway" Alucard kissed her lips giving her a 'vampire kiss' cutting up

her soft small lips letting him taste her……surprisingly pleasing tasting blood. Bella

couldn't help but to submit to Mr. Todd he was so much more forceful then Edward!

Alucard pulled back from her cut up lips and licked his clean. "Bella, go home now and

forget" Alucard commanded making Bella forget completely and made her walk back

into her home, with bloody lips and covered in Alucard's sent. He smiled looking at the

sunrise, he loved picking a fight!

* * *

Edward drove up to Bella's house in his sliver Volvo still thinking about Mr.

Todd! He shook his head he had to relax he didn't want to upset Bella. Bella walked out

of her house humming with a large smile and kissed him on the cheek "hey baby" she

said with a giggle. "baby?" he asked shocked some, Bella NEVER called him baby? "yes

baby" she said getting into his car. Edward could smell something on her? What was it?

It smelled like blood and wine. Edward's amber eyes got wide with rage "BELLA

WHAT DID HE DO TO YOU?!?!" he shouted in the car at her "…..why are you yelling

at me?" she said shocked that her Edward was yelling at her! "HE did something to you!"

Edward hissed sniffing her some trying to find out WHAT he did to his beloved. "who

Edward?" Bella asked almost on the verge of crying "Fucking Todd!" Edward hissed

grabbing Bella's arm keeping her in the car. "Mr. Todd has done nothing to me!" She

said slapping his hand away and getting out of the car and ran back into her house.

Edward hissed loudly and started up his car and raced home. Edward was going to kill

that son of a bitch! He swore it!

* * *

Bella ran to her room and cried into her pillow in pure sadness. She sniffed as she

wiped her eyes. She would prove Edward wrong! She stood up and undressed, she put on

a black and red Goth corset that she WAS going to surprised Edward with but now…….

She slipped on tight leather pants and lastly black high heels with a red bow on top. She

fixed her make up and added blood red lipstick and smiled at her reflection yes she

was going to make Edward so sorry.

* * *

Alucard smiled as he got up for the day, true it was 'early' for him but he WAS

expecting his 'toy' to come. He quickly got cleaned up and dressed in a red silk long

sleeve shirt that showed of his chest very nicely and a pair of black slacks and some nice

Italian leather dress shoes. "It's been a long time since I have seduced anyone" he said as

he combed his long black hair out as he looked into the sliver mirror. He stopped when he

heard the doorbell ring. "she is a bit late" Alucard said with a smirk as he walked down

the stares and opened the door. "Oh Miss. Swan what are you doing here?" he asked

leaning on the door frame as he looked at the…._tender virgin_…..girl that was TRYING to

seduce HIM. (AN: *giggles* what can he say? In Dracula he had three brides so I

would imagine he would be quite the ladies man XD) "Mr. Todd, can I speak with

you?" She asked trying to sound sedative to him. "It would be my pleasure Miss. Swan"

He said letting her in and let her into his home and let her set onto his couch. "what

seems to be the problem Miss. Swan?" he asked setting beside her. "call me Bella" she

said touching his hand softly looking into his red eyes pleadingly "call me Vlad" Alucard

said leaning down and kissing her hard being more _demanding _then Edward ever was.

(AN: okay people the person who started the vampire myth was a war lord named Vlad 3

Dracula. So Alucard's first name is Vlad XD) Bella moaned loudly as the older man

explored her mouth. He was so _experienced _and sexy Bella could not help it she wrapped

her arms around his large shoulders tangling her fingers into his silky black hair moaning

as his hot toung concord her mouth. Alucard smirked as his hands undid her shirt and

pulled it off her shoulder revealing her somewhat tan skin to his red eyes. He pulled from

Bella's hungry mouth and smiled some at her "better then Edward?" he teased sexily as

he picked her up and took her upstairs into his bedroom were his 'coffin' was now a four

poster bed with black sheets. He set her down as Bella undid his shirt showing his pale

and well muscled chest "oh my god!" she said tracing the hard and cold muscles

"patience little one" Alucard cooed pushing Bella back onto the bed and leaned down and

started to suck on her neck leaving a HUGE hicky on her neck. He was going to make

SURE Edward would see this. Bella whimpered "Vlad…..please….stop!" She begged but

Alucard silenced her and went one striping her "Bella stop lying, your body tells the

Truth, you love being dominated" he hissed in her ear making Bella shudder from the

harsh words and ice cold fangs at her soft ear. Bella looked down to see she was

completely naked 'oh…oh..god' she thought as Vlad spread her legs hungrily "not to

worry, Edward will never know" he lied. Bella cried out in pain as she was penetrated for

the first time making her cry. "shhhhh little one it's almost over" he cooed as he started to

thrust very rough in and out of her human body. "AH! V..V..VLAD" Bella screamed as

she clawed his back desperately trying to keep her heart from bursting out of her chest.

Alucard bit deep into Bella's soft neck "AAAAAH! IT HURTS SO BAD! YOUR

RIPING ME APART!" she screamed as Alucard drank some of her blood. He was not

going to _turn _her. "OH MY GOD!!!" Bella screamed as she cummed onto the undead

kings cock. Alucard almost pouted……he was not done yet.

* * *

Bella wok up in her bedroom sore as hell. "was it a dream?" she asked softly as

she looked into a mirror to see she was COVERED in bite marks and burses were he had

grabbed her. "Bell…I…" Bella whipped around to see Edward staring at her in disbelief.

* * *

AN: that was my first 'lemon' did you say lemon is straight fanfiction? anyway I hope you like that story so far and to me the best torcher for a vampire is sleeping with another vamp's lover and taking away her chance of becoming a vamp and live together forever XD


	4. Chapter 4

Alucard almost purred in amusment as he lesoned in on Edward and Bella's 'conversation'.

He was in the middle of the wolf tartory drinking some wine watching the wolfs 'play' just relaxing in the daylight in a shady tree.

_**This is so much fun! It's not often that I have new toys to play with. **_Alucard thought as he petted a wolf witch made the wolf 'yep' happily and licked his hand.

"Bella…you didn't…you couldn't" Edward stuttered out not believing his beloved slept with that…. That MONSTER! Bella bit her pointer finer nervously not wanting to tell Edward. She

wrapped her robe around her body quickly and looked at Edward feeling ashamed. "I.I was mad at you" she said softly "I.I didn't want to believe Mr. Todd was evil. So I dressed up and

walked over to his home" she let out the breath not looking up at Edward. "I tried to talk with him but those EYES. Those seductive eyes and charming smile …I could not reast" she

finished eyes slowly looking up at Edward to see him shaking with rage. Bella backed up to the wall in fear not knowing what Edward would do. "I'm going to **KILL **that man" Edward

hissed to Bella his eyes actually flicking from Amber to Blood red from his blood lust and rage. Bella was so petrified that she was frozen to the wall as Edward jumped out the window.

"W.W.…what have I done?" she whispered into the quite room.

Alucard looked up from the wolfs to where Edward energy was. "well my pets" he said rubbing Jacob's cheek "it seems we are being hunted" Alucard said eyes shinning with madness

and joy almost making the wolf's tails wag in excitement. "why don't you throw our _guest _off track?" He said to Sam ruffling his fur. Sam yelped and the whole pack looked at attention and

started to hunt the _guest _for there Master. Alucard chuckled deeply showing huge pearly fangs that glemmed in the sunset "come along boy…..the night is still so young" and with that

Alucard walked deeper into the forest to find a nice place to wait for his _toy. _

Edward charged threw the woods flowing the sent of** cologne, blood and raw POWER. **The woods pasted by him in a blur as he taped into his limted vampire powers. There was another

sent…wait werewolfs? JACOB'S CLAN? **"What the fu."** he thought as the wolfs cercialed him growling showing huge fangs.

Knowing what the wolves could do Edward quickly jumped into a tall tree and jumped from branch to branch towards his enemy.

The wolves whined and lowered there heads, knowing that there master would be unhappy.

* * *

LTBY: hey guys sorry this chapter is so short! well anyway please review and send me some love! also I love ya guys!


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